I like to have a plan.
I’m a huge fan of calendars, to-do lists, and figuring details out way in advance. I’m that one person who’s always early to events and needs to know exactly where and when things will be taking place. Needless to say, I don’t like surprises.
Interestingly, 2017 has been full of lots of surprises
And BIG changes of plans.
At this same time last year, I would have told you exactly what I had planned for my life. I knew exactly where I was going to college, how long I would be there, what I would major in, and what my post-college job would be. I knew what my publishing journey would look like. I knew exactly who I would be and what I would accomplish.
All of that changed over the course of a couple months.
I don’t know how everyone else reacts, but when my life does a complete 180, I find adjusting to the shift to be 1000000000% overwhelming. How dare something interfere with the meticulously-detailed life plan I had. It drives me crazy to have to re-figure things out. I start to feel lost without my trusty outline.
I think one of the biggest things God is teaching me this year is to let go of my expectations for myself and give everything to Him.
It’s so hard to do, when I’m holding on so tight to what’s easy and familiar. Or what seems like the best path with the limited knowledge I have. Oftentimes, I think God is saying, “Not that way. I have something better for you over here. Just trust me.”
But giving my dreams and goals to God is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I want instant gratification. I want things to go exactly how I want them to, without any hiccups. I want to feel successful by accomplishing what I planned to. At least, my idea of what successful is.
Instead God called me to other things. I’m going to attend a different college this fall and pursue a different major. My ideas for my post-college jobs has significantly shifted, too. I’m self-publishing instead of landing a contract with a major publishing house. My summer plans haven’t turned out quite as I anticipated. I’m still trying to figure everything out. The details aren’t set in stone. With some of it I have no idea what I’m doing. At all. I’m being introduced to some ridiculously-new concepts that go way over my head.
But the funny thing is, I can already see God’s hand in all of it.
I can see how He’s growing me and how He’s going to use me. My mindset is changing. I’m no longer holding on to my own plans with a clenched fist, not sure what to do when they’re yanked from my grasp by the circumstances of life. I’m slowly letting go, telling Him that He can use what I have to offer however He wants.
Loosening my grip on the thing most important to me–having a crystal-clear vision for what my future will look like–has been a growing process in and of itself.
I’m already seeing the benefits of the things to come. I’m excited for how they might turn out. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, that moment when I look back and say “Wow. God really saved me from something”. I’m already experiencing a bit of that moment. It’s not what I planned, but something tells me it’s going to be really awesome in the end.
I don’t need to cling to my own me-centered plans.
My wonderful Savior has my hand and is leading me on.